For the people who know me on a personal level, know that I can tolerate most things
I don't hold grudges, break down easily, or give anything or anyone the opportunity to ruin my day...
BUT,
something crazy happens to me when I step on a scale and see numbers I don't want to see,
almost like someone else jumps in my positive body and takes over all my sanity and tranquility that I have
I knew, and I even admitted on this blog that I haven't been eating PERFECT
but honestly they were just slip ups at night time here and there and if I am still running 5 miles a day I still can manage to lose some weight that week right???
WRONG.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 1 pound GAINED. *insert, mixed feelings of wanting to punch myself in the dome/ curling up and ball and crying sobs of pity, here.*
Body fat was measured next and I found out I had actually still lost another 1.5 percent body fat
that's actually a good thing meaning I probably just gained muscle but this feeling inside me had already manifested and took over me for ten minutes before hand and I couldn't stop it.
So of course what do I do? I run 3 miles on the treadmill two times faster than normal
no music. not even much thoughts running through my head.
Just in the zone getting rid of all emotion I can't even explain in me, out of me.
It's really hard for me to fail and not accomplish things I set for myself. Which is two pounds every week.
"It's possible. I've done it before. I work hard enough." are the things that I get down on myself about.
Thank goodness these things only last a few hours because then I clam down and take myself out of my body.
What I mean by this is a talk myself through it (usually consisting of calling my poor mother who listens to my daily breakdown and lets me talk and talk and talk till I actually make myself feel better, I can't stress enough how thankful for her I am). This is what it came down to and what I told myself....(and I hope other people can do this to themselves too when they get down on themselves)....
"Jessica Darlene James, you are striving for something you can never be without accepting yourself. Even when you reach this 'goal', if you aren't fine with yourself you still will not be satisfied. You are 21 years old trying to work, go to school, date, make money, juggle friends, be a good person, live by yourself, be successful, all while trying to have a perfect body. What the heck are you thinking. Trying to be superwoman now? Why can't you just accept being how you are, stop obsessing, and DROP IT. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get shit done, and stop complaining just do something about it. period."
MORAL OF THE STORY; If something affects you so much to the point that you don't even recognize yourself and drives you away from being the fabulous, amazing person you want to feel like.
Look at yourself from a strangers point of view and give yourself a slap in the face.
Because lets be honest.... you more than likely need it.
no more weigh ins for me
